Apr 9, 2025
Let’s talk about life for a second. You know how it can feel like a rollercoaster? One minute you’re cruising along, and the next—boom—something knocks you off balance. Maybe it’s a breakup, a loss, or even something that seems small but hits you harder than expected. These moments—big or little—leave a mark. They shape how we see the world, interact with others, and even how we see ourselves. And sometimes, they leave us feeling… stuck.
Here’s the thing: When life gets tough, our brains have a sneaky way of protecting us. It’s like a mental shield, helping us avoid pain in the moment. These shields are called defense mechanisms, and while they might help short-term, they can keep us trapped long-term.
Take denial, for example. I once worked with someone who went through a brutal breakup. Instead of letting herself feel the sadness or anger, she insisted, “I’m totally fine!”—avoiding anything that reminded her of her ex, from their favorite coffee shop to certain songs. Sound familiar? Denial can feel safe, but it’s like slapping a Band-Aid on a deep wound. It covers things up, but it doesn’t heal what’s underneath.
On the flip side, some people get stuck mourning the past—lingering over a loss or for years, afraid to move forward because the pain feels too big. But here’s the truth: Trauma isn’t always about life-shattering events. Sometimes, it’s the small things that leave the deepest scars.
What’s traumatic for one person might not be for another. Big experiences—losing a loved one, surviving violence, or enduring a natural disaster—obviously leave a mark. But trauma can also come from moments that seem insignificant to others.
- One client of mine had an intense fear of trains after watching his uncle jump onto train tracks as a kid (his uncle was fine, but the terror stuck).
- Another couldn’t stand tight spaces because of… turtlenecks. As a child,she hated the trapped feeling when one was pulled over her head—and that fear followed her into adulthood.
The point? Trauma is personal. It’s not about how “big” or “small” the event seems—it’s about how it affects you. And sometimes, our brains get too creative in protecting us.
Ever feel like you’re watching your life from the outside, just going through the motions? That’s dissociation—your brain hitting the “pause” button on emotions to avoid pain. Sounds helpful… until you realize it leaves you feeling empty and disconnected.
Then there’s rationalization—explaining away emotions to soften the blow. Got laid off? “I hated that job anyway.” It might dull the sting temporarily, but it also buries the real feelings underneath: fear, sadness, or insecurity.
And let’s not forget procrastination. One client constantly put off important tasks because tackling them felt overwhelming. But avoidance doesn’t erase problems—it just piles on more stress and shame.
Or chronic lateness. Some people are always late—not because they’re bad with time, but because it’s a way to control situations. Arriving late means avoiding being the first one in the room, which can feel safer… but it also means never fully showing up for your own life.
Others cope by becoming hyper-independent—refusing to ask for help, even when drowning. It looks like strength, but it often leads to isolation. The truth? No one is meant to go through life alone. Asking for help isn’t weakness—it’s courage.
So, How Do We Move Forward?
Acknowledge how your past shapes your present. Defense mechanisms help us survive, but they don’t always help us heal.
Work with a therapist to unpack and process old wounds. (If you’re more future-focused, a life coach can help—but don’t ignore the past.)
Embrace vulnerability. It’s not weakness—it’s the key to connection and growth.
Here’s the big takeaway: Healing is possible. You don’t have to stay stuck. By understanding how your past influences your present, you can start making changes—one step at a time.
If any of this resonates, know you’re not alone. Trauma can feel overwhelming, but you can move forward. And hey—it’s okay to take it slow. You’ve got this.