Dec 18, 2024
Have you ever noticed how “narcissist” has become the insult of the day? These days, it feels like everyone’s an armchair psychologist, diagnosing their ex, that one coworker who talks too much, or the neighbor who won’t stop bragging about their new car. But let’s pump the brakes for a moment: just because someone has narcissistic traits doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist.
The truth is, we all have a little narcissism in us. It’s what makes you puff up with pride after acing a big project or hope for a little recognition when you’ve gone above and beyond. Those are perfectly human moments, and they don’t make you a narcissist—they just make you, well, human. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), on the other hand, is a serious clinical condition, far less common than social media might have you believe.
I chose to write about narcissism because the term has become so overused and, frankly, misused. I’ve heard from psychiatrists who can predict which therapist a client has seen during a divorce, based solely on whether the ex has been labeled a narcissist. And how many times have we heard, “I looked it up, and my ex checks all the boxes”? Of course your ex seems selfish—they’re your ex! But slapping the narcissist label on them can be both unfair and harmful.
It’s also important to understand that NPD is far more frequently diagnosed in men than in women—studies suggest that up to 75% of those diagnosed are men, with a male-to-female ratio of 2:1 to 3:1. Moreover, narcissism isn’t officially diagnosed until adulthood, even though certain traits may appear earlier. These nuances matter because they challenge the idea that anyone who frustrates or disappoints us must have a personality disorder.
So, what’s the deal with narcissism, really? It can show up in two main ways: overt and covert. Overt narcissists are the ones who can’t help but take up all the oxygen in the room. They’re bold, attention-seeking, and often the life of the party (whether you want them to be or not). They radiate confidence—sometimes to a fault—crave admiration, and chase after pleasure-driven goals. Think of the colleague who always has to remind you of their latest achievement or the relative who turns every holiday meal into their personal TED Talk. Sure, they can be exhausting, but here’s the kicker: they’re not necessarily doing it maliciously. It’s just how they’re wired.
Now, covert narcissists are a whole different story. If overt narcissists are spotlights, covert ones are shadows. They’re subtle, introspective, and often mistaken for being shy or even humble. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find that they struggle with low self-esteem, are hypersensitive to criticism, and often feel perpetually underappreciated. Picture the neighbor who avoids the block party but quietly resents not being included. They’re not seeking the spotlight, but they still long for acknowledgment. Covert narcissists crave validation just as much as overt ones—they’re just more understated about it.
With the holidays upon us, you’re probably bracing for a mix of personalities. Whether it’s a family dinner, an office party, or a neighborhood get-together, there’s bound to be someone who pushes your buttons. Recognizing overt and covert narcissism can help you keep your cool during these social minefields. The overt narcissist might dominate conversations. Instead of wrestling for attention, redirect their energy into something more inclusive. “Hey, you’re so great at leading conversations—what does everyone think about this topic?” gets them talking while engaging the group. The covertnarcissist, on the other hand, might seem withdrawn or quietly resentful. A little recognition—“I noticed how thoughtful you were with the decorations”—can ease tension without overdoing it.
The goal isn’t to excuse difficult behavior, but to protect your peace and set realistic expectations. Sometimes, understanding someone’s traits is half the battle to keeping holiday interactions stress-free.
Another word that gets tossed around alongside narcissism is entitlement. While entitlement and narcissism often overlap, they’re not the same. Entitlement is a trait, while NPD is a disorder. Believe it or not, entitlement isn’t always bad. It comes in two forms. Adaptive entitlement is the healthy kind. It’s knowing your needs and boundaries matter, like expecting fairness at work or respect in relationships. Maladaptive entitlement is where things get tricky. It’s the “rules don’t apply to me” attitude, where someone demands special treatment at the expense of others. Sure, maladaptive entitlement can look narcissistic, but even that doesn’t automatically mean someone has NPD.
Calling someone a narcissist might feel satisfying in the moment, but it’s also reductive and a bit unfair. It oversimplifies complex behavior and stigmatizes people who might just have traits—not a disorder.
As you step into the holiday season, remember that every gathering is a mix of personalities—some easier to navigate than others. Instead of jumping to conclusions or labeling behaviors, take a moment to observe, understand, and adapt. Maybe they’re not trying to be difficult; maybe they’re just expressing themselves the only way they know how.
By approaching these interactions with curiosity instead of judgment, you might find it’s easier to maintain your peace and even enjoy the company around you. After all, the holidays aren’t about perfection—they’re about finding moments of connection, however imperfect they may be. And sometimes, a little understanding is the best gift you can give.