Nov 6, 2024
The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration, but they can also bring moments of stress, anxiety, or sadness—especially when family gatherings stir up old memories or unresolved feelings. You might notice yourself feeling overwhelmed or reacting in ways that surprise you, like snapping at a loved one or wanting to binge-watch TV to escape.
It’s almost as if different parts of you are pulling in different directions: one part feels excited to celebrate, while another part might want to avoid the family dinner altogether. That’s where the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model can help. IFS offers a way to understand these inner struggles by recognizing that we all have different “parts” within us—each with its own voice, feelings, and needs. Understanding these parts can make it easier to manage emotions and find peace during the holidays.
IFS teaches us that we all have inner parts that play different roles, especially when things get stressful. During the holidays, three types of parts are likely to become active: Exiles hold onto old wounds or painful memories. These parts might surface during family gatherings, stirring up emotions like sadness, shame, or fear of rejection. Managers try to keep things under control by pushing us to be perfect or overly organized, hoping to avoid any emotional discomfort or conflict. Firefighters step in when we feel overwhelmed, trying to help us escape uncomfortable emotions. They may encourage us to binge-watch TV, overeat, or withdraw from social situations.
Once you start recognizing these parts, you can better understand what’s happening inside you. For example, if an Exile part brings up sadness from a past experience, it may lead to feelings of anxiety at a family gathering. Instead of ignoring or suppressing those feelings, try sitting quietly with them. Gently acknowledge them by saying something like, “I see that you’re feeling scared and lonely right now. It’s okay—I’m here.” This act of self-compassion—meeting your feelings with kindness rather than judgment—can be incredibly healing. It helps those parts of you feel seen and understood, rather than ignored or silenced.
Pay attention to what’s happening inside when strong emotions arise. If you feel anxious, frustrated, or overwhelmed, ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What part of me might be reacting? If a critical voice says, “You’re not enough,” pause and gently ask that part why it feels that way. By getting curious instead of critical, you create space for reflection, helping you regain a sense of calm and control.
During the holidays, it’s essential to create emotional boundaries that protect your well-being. If certain family interactions feel draining, it’s okay to step away or limit your time. Make room for self-care rituals that help you feel grounded, whether that’s journaling, taking a walk, or talking with a trusted friend. Remember, it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, and you don’t have to pretend everything is perfect. Toxic positivity—forcing yourself to feel happy all the time—can be exhausting and invalidating. Allow yourself to feel what comes up without judgment.
Amid all the holiday activity, prioritize self-care. Whether it’s reading a good book, listening to music, or simply taking a few deep breaths, these small acts of kindness toward yourself make a big difference. If you find yourself overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you trust—a friend, family member, or mental health professional. Sharing your feelings can lighten your emotional load, and seeking support from a therapist can offer valuable guidance in navigating these emotions with compassion.
You don’t have to be happy all the time to enjoy the holidays. In fact, allowing yourself to experience whatever emotions arise—whether joy, sadness, or frustration—can be incredibly freeing. The holidays are about connection, and that includes connecting with your own emotions.
Wishing you a season filled with warmth, understanding, and the freedom to feel deeply—whatever that looks like for you.